Kratos's Birthday
by Fried Cheesecake
Summary: Lloyd is trying to find enough candles. Zelos is trying to find his purpose. Kratos is trying to find out why there's something that looks suspiciously like a narwhal in his living room. And Yuan is still, damn it, still trying to find his ring.
1. Chapter 1

Yes. It is here.

I'd like to thank **Mieu**, who unknowingly inspired this story. Granted, now she knows but... whatevs.

Anyways... enjoy the Kratosy goodness. If you like Regal or Colette, leave. (Which is horrible, because I _do _like Colette, and I kick ass fighting as Regal but- once again, whatevs.)

* * *

**Chapter One: Lloyd Discovers the Lack of Candles**

Mithos was dead, the world was back to normal and Kratos decided to be an ass and abandon his son AGAIN. Then I said "SCREW CANON" and brought him back. Anyways, the party had met at the theme park in Altimira for the day. Having ridden most of the rides, they were looking for a place to eat when Lloyd realized something.

He gasped and checked the nearest calendar just to make sure he was right. Without a doubt- it was true. Immediately, he turned to the rest of the group, grinning.

"Hey guys," he said, "I know something that _you _don't."

Raine sighed. "Oh no. What now?"

Lloyd just grinned wider. "Guess."

"You're pregnant," Genis snickered, and was immediately smacked by Raine. "OWCH!"

Lloyd, however, was not fazed. "Nope. Guess again."

Sheena smirked. "You're gay."

"Nope. Guess-"

Zelos interrupted with, "You're a tranny!"

Lloyd looked aghast. "What?! No!!"

Regal frowned. "There's nothing wrong with being a transgender. It's completely natural for someone to feel as if they've been born into the wrong gender."

The other seven stared at him, mouths hanging open. Presea blinked.

"You're not… a… _tranny_, are you?" she asked slowly. Regal suddenly looked very guilty.

"_Nooooooo_…"

"Ok, well passing over Regal's faggyness," Lloyd continued, "keep guessing!"

"Butterflies?" Colette asked suddenly, her eyes shining.

"Uh… _no_, but that was a very good guess, Collie. Good girl. Here have a treat."

"Lloyd, she's not a dog," Genis interrupted. Lloyd scoffed.

"Ah, shuddup."

"We give up," Raine said, crossing her arms. "Just tell us already."

"It's KRATOS'S BIRTHDAY!!" Lloyd exclaimed, throwing his arms out wide.

There was an awkward silence.

"Um." Zelos said. "Are we supposed to be happy for him?"

Lloyd frowned. "He's my daddy, hell yeah you're supposed to be happy for him!"

Genis snorted. "Gawd, how old is he like three million?"

"Actually, he's turning 4042," Yuan said suddenly.

"Holy crap!" Sheena exclaimed. "Where'd you come from?"

Yuan shrugged. It was true. He had just popped out of thin air. Lloyd cleared his throat and decided to pretend like Yuan had never said anything.

"So anyways," he continued, "we're going to have a surprise party for him!!"

Colette clapped her hands together. "Yay, I love weddings!"

Genis did an anime sweatdrop. "Um, Colette… nevermind."

Sheena did her "to Sybak" pose. "I'll bring music!" she yelled.

"I'll bring hunnies!" Zelos exclaimed.

"I'll bring a scrapbook detailing Kratos's every move since the day he was born because there is no way in hell that I'm stalking him!" Yuan announced.

"And I'll make a cake!" Raine shrieked. Genis choked, remembering the last time he ate one of Raine's cakes.

"Um, Professor, why don't we let Regal make the cake?" Lloyd suggested.

Raine pouted. "Fine. See if I care-"

"Regal's not invited," Zelos said suddenly. Regal frowned.

"FINE! BE THAT WAY!"

And so, Regal stormed off in tears, leaving only eight of the original nine.

Lloyd frowned. "Well, that was probably unnecessarily cruel," he said, stroking his chin, "but… WE HAVE A PARTY TO GET TO!!!"

**Later, at Kratos's house**

Kratos sat on his couch, watching _Ella Enchanted_. "I have to say," he said, "besides _Twilight_, this is the single most horrible movie I have EVER seen in my 4041 years." He paused. "Hey, I'm 4042 today!! Wow, time sure does fly when you're… no, I haven't had any fun in the past year."

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"Gah, stupid girl scouts," Kratos grumbled.

The doorbell rang again.

"No, girl scouts don't ring insistently. It's probably Yuan." He made no move to get up.

"KRATOS AURION, OPEN YOUR DOOR THIS INSTANT!" Yuan yelled from outside.

Kratos contemplated, then responded. "Or?"

"OR I WILL BREAK IN AND EAT ALL OF YOUR SUNCHIPS!!!"

The redhead gasped. "_Noooo! _They're mine!"

"THEN OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

Kratos cursed under his breath, then stood up to answer the door. "Fine, fine," he muttered. "I'm opening the damn-"

"SURPRISE!!!"

The whole party (minus Regal, plus Yuan) was standing on the doorstep, bearing gifts, a stereo and something that looked suspiciously like a narwhal.

"What is that?" Kratos asked, pointing at the object that suspiciously resembled a narwhal.

"It's a narwhal," Yuan snapped, "what did you think it was?"

Kratos frowned. "Uh… a narwhal, but why-?"

"We're having a birthday party for you!" Lloyd interrupted, grinning. Everyone cheered. Kratos stares at him.

"Uh, no thanks."

"Oh come on, Dad!" Lloyd whined. "It's your birthday."

Kratos gave his son the Glare. "I said no, Lloyd."

Yuan shoved Lloyd aside. "Nobody cares what you said, bitch!! We're having a party and that's that!"

Everyone cheered and stampeded Kratos before he had a chance to refuse.

Once the party was set up, the cake had been delivered (_Remiel's Catering Service- Always Fast, Always Fresh_), the music was blasting, and the peeps were dancing, Lloyd discovered that he had a problem.

"Houston," he announced, "we have a problem."

"What's that?" the cake delivery guy, wearing a nametag that read 'Houston' peered into the room. Lloyd stared at him for a second, then shook his head.

"Never mind."

Houston skipped away. Lloyd cleared his throat and turned to the rest of the partygoers.

"Hey guys!" he yelled over the music. "We have a problem!"

"What is it, bud?!" Zelos yelled back.

Lloyd sighed, gazing sadly at an empty box of candles. "Where are we gonna find 4042 candles?" he shouted. Zelos gasped.

"I didn't think about that!" he exclaimed, snatching the box out of Lloyd's hands. He stared at it for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "We need to find 4042 candles pronto!" he yelled.

Lloyd frowned. "Um. Yeah, I _know _that. But where-?"

"MY HUNNIES!" Zelos shrieked, waving his arms wildly. "They must be carrying around candles! After all, they carry around orange gels and holy bottles to give to me whenever I talk to them!"

"That's a great idea!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"I see a flaw in this plan," Genis interrupted, crossing his arms. Lloyd and Zelos glared at him.

"What, brat?" the redhead snapped. "And make it quick."

"I seriously doubt your 'hunnies' are going to have over 4000 candles," the half-elf said dryly. Zelos frowned.

"Well, fine. We'll buy the rest."

"With what money?" Genis asked. Zelos gasped.

"Oh, goddess! Are you kidding? Every time I talk to a girl, I get like 500 gald!"

"Yeah, so?"

Zelos let out a huff. "_So_… my hunnies are actually very useful!"

Raine beat him over the head with a book. "Yes, they can be useful, when we're low on items and whatnot. But… Zelos, don't you remember, your 'hunnies' are all broke now?"

Everyone gasped, glaring at Zelos. "What?!" Lloyd exclaimed angrily. "How did that happen?"

Zelos wrung his hands nervously. "Um…weeeeeell… that's kind of a funny story…"

Raine rolled her eyes and turned to the rest of the group. "You know how he ran for president earlier this month? And he had all those signs and posters and everything? Yeah, his hunnies paid for those. And now they're all broke."

"You mow-ron, now we'll never get 4042 candles!" Sheena exclaimed, smacking Zelos.

Raine continued on, saying, "And that was _before_ he realized that Tethe'alla is governed by a king and they don't have presidents-"

"Alright, alright, no need to rub it in," Zelos sighed, sulking. "You're making me feel bad."

"Good."

Kratos sighed and did a facepalm. "Really, this is unnecessary. They're just candles-"

Yuan kicked him. "Shut up, bitch. This is your birthday party we're trying to perfect. You should be grateful."

"They're _candles_, for heaven's sake-"

"And what's a birthday party without candles?" Lloyd exclaimed. "C'mon, folks, we need to find us some candles before this day is over!"

Colette jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Yay! Adventure time!"

Genis frowned. "Can't we just _buy_ the candles?"

Raine whacked him over the head with her staff. "Bitch, don't try to make things more complicated! You're ruining our lives, Genis!"

"But buying them is more simple-"

"Nu-uh," Lloyd interrupted, "we're broke, remember? From when we bought that hot tub?"

"Well, just sell it then!"

Yuan smacked him. "Bitch, are you crazy? Why would you get rid of a perfectly good hot tub even if you went broke after buying it?"

Genis made a pouty face and crossed his arms. "Why is everyone abusing me?" he muttered, going off in a corner to sulk.

"Hmmm…" Lloyd stroked his chin. "So Regal, Genis, and Kratos are out- there are only five of us left-"

"Seven, Lloyd."

"Six of us-"

"No, _seven_."

"That's what I said, three and a half!"

Raine smacked him. "Seven, mow-ron! You, Colette, Sheena, Zelos, Yuan, Presea and I!"

"Oh." Lloyd's face fell, but he quickly brightened up again. "Well, since there are only ten of us left-"

"Ugh, whatever."

"- maybe we should split up on our quest for candles."

"Hold on a second." Sheena held out a hand, signaling Lloyd to stop. "When was it decided that I'm going to help you find candles?"

"Same here," Raine and Presea said simultaneously, crossing their arms in sync also. Lloyd frowned.

"Well, you guys are my best friends, so I thought-"

"Yeah but…" Sheena glanced around, trying to come up with an excuse. "We need to make sure Kratos is having a good time."

"I'm fine, thank you-"

"Yes, it's his birthday, we can't leave him alone with Emo Boy," Raine added, jerking her head in Genis' direction. Presea merely nodded.

Lloyd frowned, still looking disheartened. "Well… I guess you can stay… so the five of us can-"

"Colette should stay too," Sheena added quickly. Colette perked up upon hearing her name, glancing around with wide eyes like a small puppy. "You know, she's uh… kind of special and all," Sheena stage-whispered.

Lloyd crossed his arms. "Fine, anyone else you want to steal?!"

"Nah, we're good."

"Good!" He turned back to his Candle Quest companions and found himself looking at Yuan and Zelos's unhappy faces. "That's it?" he exclaimed. "Only six of us?"

Yuan sulked. "Why am I being forced to accompany you two on such a ludicrous mission?"

"Hey, a minute ago you beat up my dad when he tried to get you to stay!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"That's irrelevant."

Zelos sniffed, turning away from his companions. "My life sucks," he complained to no one in particular. "I'm broke and my best friend is a hick. And now I have to go on this stupid quest to find stupid candles for the stupid hick's stupid dad's stupid birthday party. Stupid world. I hate the world. I'm emo!!" he yelled, dropping to his knees and reaching for the nearest knife to cut himself.

"Wait!" Lloyd shouted, jumping in front of him. There weren't actually any knives around, but no one was really smart enough to figure that out. "Don't do it Zelos! Someone out there loves you!"

Zelos's eyes suddenly sparkled. "Really? Do _you _love me, Lloydie-poo?"

Lloyd hesitated, taken back by the weird nickname. "Er… not like that, but you're a good friend to me! I value you and I-"

"Blah, blah, blah, let's get going," Yuan interrupted, snatching both of them by their shirt collars and dragging them to the door.

"But I'm not cure of Emo yet!"

"Ok, one- Emo isn't a disease. Two- why don't you just take a spiritual journey or something and try to find your purpose in this world or whatever?"

Suddenly, Zelos gasped, clutching Yuan on the arm. "My purpose!! That's… that's brilliant!"

And so the Candle Quest begins.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **No. I do not own Tales of Symphonia. Because if I did- well, you read the first paragraph of this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Kill by Demons**

The trio of candle questers was making their way to Altimira, which, for some reason or another, they thought was a good place to start, and they were currently in the Triet Desert, having started their trek in Iselia. No one was quite sure why exactly Yuan was accompanying Zelos and Lloyd, considering he (to put it child friendly terms) did not get along with either of them.

"So Yuan," Lloyd said brightly, while Zelos (who was still depressed even after his revelation last chapter) sulked in the background, "why are you even coming with us? I mean, it's not like you actually _like _us or anything."

Yuan glared at him in response. There was a long silence in which Lloyd bit his lip, Zelos sulked and Yuan continued to glare. Then-

"I'm looking for my ring," he huffed, his arms crossed. "Happy?"

"What ring?" Lloyd asked, going into Obnoxious Question Mode. "Why are you looking for it? Did you lose it? What color is it? Does it say anything on it? Is it important? Did you lose it? Did I already ask that? Am I annoying you? Huh? Huh?"

"Lloyd," Yuan growled.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Shut the eff up."

Zelos frowned, speaking for the first time since the journey had begun. "Haven't you already lost that thing like five hundred times before now?" he asked. Yuan glared at him.

"Zip it, homo."

"No seriously," Lloyd exclaimed before Zelos could start bawling. "He's right, didn't you lose it like a year ago? And then like a year before that? And then like five hundred years before that? And then there was the time when you thought you threw it off the edge of Derris-Kharlan?"

"How do you know about that?" Yuan exclaimed, crossing his arms.

Lloyd shrugged. "Dad told me."

"Damn Kratos…"

"Hey, I have a question," Zelos asked, obviously having forgotten about the homo comment. "Why are we walking all the way to Altimira? Doesn't Kratos live in like…Iselia? And weren't we at Altimira at the beginning of last chapter?"

"Plot device," Lloyd answered simply. Zelos frowned.

"But don't we have rheairds?"

"No, we left them in Iselia."

"Whyyyyy? Now we have to walk _all _the way to Altimira, which technically isn't even possible."

Lloyd stopped suddenly, holding out both of his arms to halt his companions. Unfortunately for him, they both pushed past his arms and kept walking.

"Wait!" Lloyd cried, running after them. "I see someone!"

Yuan glanced around, suddenly suspicious. "Where? I don't see anyone."

"You're not looking hard enough."

"Damn it Lloyd, where?!"

Zelos narrowed his eyes. "Oh, I see."

Yuan growled at the other two. "Where?! I don't see anything!"

"Evidently," Zelos snorted. Yuan glanced at him.

"I thought you were emo," he said.

"I changed my mind."

"It's coming this way!" Lloyd shrieked, pointing into the distance. Zelos sighed obnoxiously.

"Lloyd, my dear hick, that is obviously not an 'it'. She is a beautiful hunny, and- omgoodness, maybe she's a-"

"Exactly what I was thinking," Yuan interrupted, finally seeing the figure that was slowly advancing towards them.

"- candle merchant!" Zelos finished, kicking Yuan in the shin. "Don't interrupt, boy. RUDE!"

Yuan smacked him. "Don't kick me, boy. RUDE! And actually I was going for 'desert mirage' but I suppose candle merchant works too."

They both rushed towards the candle merchant/ desert mirage, leaving Lloyd in the dust to stroke his chin.

"Omgoodness?" he repeated, frowning. "Who says that?"

"I do!" Zelos yelled back at him. "Now get your hick ass up here!"

Scowling, Lloyd ran to join Zelos and Yuan, who had reached the candle merchant or whatever she was and were now standing before her.

"You don't look like a candle merchant," Lloyd pointed out, frowning at the woman standing in front of them. Her traveling robes were old and dusty, and her image seemed strangely fading…

She frowned at Lloyd. "I'm not."

"You're a desert mirage then," Yuan said shortly . "I knew it."

The mirage smiled. "Yes, I am."

"…so are you gonna like grant us three wishes or something?" Zelos asked. "Isn't that what mirages do?"

She scowled. "Moron, that's a genie. I don't grant wishes."

"Well, that's lame. Sleep with me?"

The mirage, however, was unfazed. "Don't be so hasty to leave, travelers. I may not grant wishes, but I can help you on your quest."

"How so?" Yuan asked. "If you really are a mirage, then you're… not really there."

"Yes, that's the common definition of a mirage."

"Alright smartass."

The mirage smiled. "Anyways, do you want help or not?"

"You don't even know what we're questing for," Lloyd pointed out.

"You're questing for 4042 candles for some UOF."

Yuan frowned. "UOF?"

"Unidentified Old Fart."

"Hey!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Dad's not an old fart!"

Yes, he is, Lloyd.

"Classy," Yuan sighed. "I guess that makes me a UOF too."

Zelos was impressed. "Wow, she's good," he said, grinning. The mirage smirked again.

"Anyways- do you want me to help you?"

"What if we say no?"

"I'll take that as a yes." The mirage drew in a deep breath, then said, "Seek… the demons."

Yuan frowned. "The demons? That's not very reassuring."

The mirage shrugged. "The demons don't think so."

Zelos, stroking his chin, asked, "We're not going to be kill by demons or anything?"

"That's a good question," the mirage replied- and with that, she disappeared in a puff of smoke. The trio was silent, each thinking who 'the demons' could possibly be.

"I think we are going to be kill by demons," Zelos said confidently after a moment.

"Shut up, Zelos," Yuan snapped- normally, the redhead would burst into tears, but this time he gasped, his eyes twinkling.

"You called me by my name!" he exclaimed, launching himself onto Yuan. "You must be the one out there who loves me!"

"What the hell!?" Yuan yelled, smacking Zelos upside the head. "I don't love you!"

Zelos, who was still pretty much… well, humping Yuan, started stroking the blunet's hair. "Goddess, your hair is so soft!" he squealed.

Lloyd stood off to the side, feeling very awkward. At least, I hope he was feeling awkward.

Yuan pushed Zelos off of him, stumbling to his feet and running to hide behind Lloyd. Zelos got up and tried to follow the half-elf, but Lloyd held him back.

"Hold on, guys!" he cried. "I can't have you two fighting! We have to finish the Candle Quest!"

Zelos almost started foaming at the mouth, deprived of the silky texture of Yuan's hair, but then he decided that his hunnies were better than Yuan anyways, and no good hunny likes drool and foam.

"Alright," Lloyd said, now that everything had calmed down not really. "Now, you two have to get over your… whatever you've got going on, because we need to seek the demons."

"Um, I'm not really sure if we should take the mirage's advice," Yuan warned. "She was kind of… wack."

"And you're not?" Zelos sniggered. Lloyd pouted.

"Well, we don't have anything else to go on," he said. "So, we need to seek the demons."

"Why don't we try Triet?" Zelos suggested. "You know, pick up some chicks- and maybe we can ask if anyone knows anything about the demons."

Yuan rolled his eyes. "Of course, I forgot that Zelos is a 'chick magnet'. Well, fine."

Ten minutes later, the trio was standing outside of Triet and, in Lloyd's case at least, reminiscing.

"Wow," he sighed. "I remember the first time I came here. I was kidnapped by Renegades. Isn't that horrible?" he asked, turning to Yuan.

Yuan rolled his eyes. Again. "Goodness me, who would do such a terrible thing?"

"Wait, you're the one who kidnapped me!" Lloyd exclaimed, but of course no one was listening because Zelos was trying to pick up chicks and Yuan had gone to the inn to search for his ring. Because he thought it might be there because maybe he'd dropped it when he'd snuck into Colette's room like a pedo. Or maybe that was Sheena. Whatever.

"Fine, I'll just look for the demons by myself!"

Lloyd stomped off towards the marketplace, attracting many strange looks.

MEANWHILE.

Zelos, having successfully picked up many floozies, made his way to the fortune teller's tent, still determined to find his purpose because, as we all know, Zelos is actually emo.

"Can I help you?" the fortune teller asked lazily as the Chosen entered the tent.

"I'm trying to find my purpose!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms out wide. "Can you help me?"

The fortune teller stared at him. "No," she said. "I don't do purposes."

Zelos frowned. "Well can you at least tell me my fortune?"

"No."

"DAMN IT!"

Zelos flung himself out of the tent, magically changed into his infamous purple Speedo (oh god my eyes) and did a belly flop into the oasis.

"Oh no!" the villagers screamed. "Our only source of water is being infected by this maniac! Help us someone, please!"

MEANWHILE.

In a very secret-agent-like manner, Yuan snuck into the room at the inn that Colette had once slept in. Which is only just a little creepy.

"It must be here!" he stage-whispered. "It has to be!"

ONE HOUR LATER.

"Damn it!" Yuan yelled, completely dropping his secret agent act. "It's not here!"

MEANWHILE.

This whole time, Lloyd had been wandering around the marketplace in a funk, refusing to speak to anyone because he was pissed that Yuan and Zelos had both abandoned him. Finally, though, he decided to try and get some information on the demons.

"Excuse me miss," he said, going up to a stranger. STRANGER DANGER.

The stranger turned around. "What do you mean 'miss'?" he asked, confused.

Lloyd paused. "I'm sorry, I have a cold," he said. "Anyways, do you happen to know of any demons who live around-?"

"AAH THE DEMONS!" A mob of people from the oasis stampeded the market place, knocking both Lloyd and the stranger to the ground.

"What's going on?" the stranger yelled. The mob shrieked again.

"THE DEMONS ARE ATTACKING!"

"RIGHT!" Lloyd leaped up and struck a super hero pose. "I shall face these demons! And get some candles! Onward!"

He galloped towards the oasis, leaving the stranger and the mob in the dust. Once he arrived at the oasis, however, he discovered that there were no actual demons- just Zelos, doggy paddling in his Speedo.

"Zelos!" Lloyd yelled. "You jerk!"

Zelos looked up, grinning. "What was that, bud?"

"They told me you were the demons!"

"They?!" Zelos leaped out of the oasis, knocking Lloyd over. "Don't talk to the voices in your head, Lloyd, it's not healthy!"

"I meant the villagers!"

"The villagers are in your head?! That's really creepy! How'd you do that?"

Lloyd got up, glaring at Zelos. "Come on. Jerk. We're going to find Yuan. This place sucks."

MEANWHILE.

Yuan sat in a bar (even though it was the middle of the day), swilling the remains on his drink in his glass, staring into space and thinking emo thoughts about Martel. He gulped down the last of his drink, and slammed the glass down on the table- the bartender's sign to refill it.

"HIYAH!"

The bar door suddenly shattered into a million little pieces, and a bright light flashed into the bar.

"Egads!" the bartender screamed. "It's the Apocalypse! Run!" And with that, he jumped out the window… of a one story building. Whatever.

Lloyd (who is underage lol) and Zelos burst into the bar, Zelos still in his Speedo. (Aaah my eyes). "Where be Yuan?" Lloyd exclaimed, which was really unnecessary considering that Yuan was the only patron.

"I see him!" Zelos yelled, leaping over to where Yuan sat at the bar. "Yuan! We must evacuate the city!"

Yuan, only just having noticed that he had company, glanced blearily at Zelos and giggled, reaching up to put an arm around Zelos' neck.

"Zeeeeelllooooooos," he mumbled, leaning into the redhead, "yur prrrreee…tyyyyy."

"Eww," Zelos groaned. "Lloyd, he's flirting with me!"

"I don't care, Zelos!" Lloyd yelled, waving his arms. "The villagers are pissed at you because you ruined their only source of drinking water and now they're looking for us! They'll be here any minute!"

"Fine, fine," Zelos sighed, swinging the drunken Yuan over one shoulder. "Let's go before they beat us to death!"

"Noooooo!" Yuan cried. "My drink!"

And so the Candle Questers evacuated the city.

* * *

Can you believe it took me almost three months to write this piece of crap?

**Disclaimer: **NO.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Plot Development**

"…so… so _then _I was like 'oh well… I don't really want to go to Maaaaaars anyways', but- but I went to Maaars and- and we fought the… the…"

"The people from Venus?"

"How-! How-? How did you knooow that?! Are you… are you… are you _psychic_?"

"Yeah, I can read your mind."

"…that's soooooo _coooool_, Zelos… you're sooooo _hooooot_…"

"Alright, Yuan, why don't you just get on with your story?"

"…oh, right, right. So- the people from Venus, right? They had these… these guns. Like- big guns. They were _so _big. And so…"

The trio had escaped from Triet, being chased by a crowd of angry villages, and had passed over the Ossa Trail, where the angry villagers got bored and went home, and were now sitting on a dock in Izoold. They were no closer to reaching their goal than they had been last chapter.

"Well," Lloyd sighed, as Yuan (who was, miraculously, still drunk) draped his arms around Zelos' neck and start snoring. "Now what?"

Zelos glared at him. "Hell if I know," he grumbled. Lloyd sighed.

"Well fine!" he exclaimed. "I'm going to go… do something."

"Do what?"

"Don't make me smack you with a dead fish."

Lloyd went off to do the ambiguous "something" while Zelos attempted to pry Yuan off of him. It didn't really work.

Suddenly, something (not what Lloyd was going to go do) caught Zelos' eye. He spotted a misty figure standing near a cart- a cart that happened to have "CANDLES" written on the side.

"Holy Johansen!" Zelos shrieked, standing up and flinging Yuan into the water. "Candles!"

He made a mad dash for the candle cart and, upon reaching it, noticed that the candle vendor was the same mirage that they had encountered in the desert.

"You bitch!" Zelos cried, shaking his fist at her. "You told us you didn't have any candles!"

She merely slapped him. "I didn't have any then," she snapped. "But I recently managed to acquire some… about 4000, actually."

Zelos squealed like a little girl. "Yay!" he exclaimed. "Give me some, please? Or all of them? And then I won't have to go on my stupid quest?"

"What ever happened to finding your purpose?" she asked, frowning at him. Zelos crossed his arms.

"Hey, how did you know that?"

"I'm a mirage, dumbass."

"Oh… well. Shuddup. So can I have some candles?"

"Hmm. Maybe," she replied.

"Please?"

"I'll think about it."

"Pretty please?"

"Let me sleep on it."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Your boyfriend's drowning."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top and marshmallows and- hey what?"

The mirage pointed to the water, where Yuan was flailing like a… something that flails. "You should save him," the mirage said.

"He's not my boyfriend," Zelos argued. Yuan drowned.

The end.

Just kidding.

But Yuan did really drown.

"Zelos, you moron!" Lloyd yelled, attacking Zelos and knocking him over. "Where's Yuan?"

"Uh… he drowned?"

Lloyd smacked him with a dead fish. "Stupid! You know he's afraid of water!"

"Mow-ron, that's Raine." Zelos stole the dead fish from Lloyd and, using his super awesome random powers, turned it into a gun and shot at Lloyd.

But Lloyd is Neo, so he dodged the bullet. "Same thing. Now go save him!"

"No! You!"

"Fine, damn it!"

Lloyd belly-flopped into the water, and swam into its' terrifyingly deep depths to save Yuan. Yay. Lloyd's a hero.

Back on the dock, Zelos turned to the mirage once again. "So!" he yelled, pointing at the mirage. "I don't have any money, so I can't pay for candles. But… there are other 'services' that I could offer you, if you get my drift…"

"I thought you were gay," the mirage said, frowning. "Aren't you?"

"What?" Zelos exclaimed. "Pssh. No."

There was an awkward silence, in which Zelos realized that he was wearing pink and checking his nails, and in which the mirage thought 'every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby is being born' and she considered saying that to Zelos, but then she realized that he was holding a gun still, so she decided against it.

The mirage, however, did decide to say something else. Because she's crafty like that.

"Alright, baby," she said in a flirty voice, and Zelos blinked at the sudden change in attitude, "I'll make you a deal. I'll let you have all 4000 of these candles if…"

Suddenly, she whipped out a claymore and whacked him over the head with it. Anyone who saw cheered.

The mirage cackled evilly, stuffing Zelos into her cart, which actually didn't hold candles at all, despite what the sign said. "It's payback time!" she hissed, and started pushing the cart onto a boat. Soon, the ship was headed for Palmacosta.

MEANWHILE.

Lloyd belly-flopped into the water, writhed around in pain for a couple of seconds, then regained his sanity (uh, what sanity?) and started swimming toward Yuan's slowly sinking body. He'd jumped off the dock- this water couldn't be that deep…

But it appeared that it was. Lloyd had been swimming forever, and he was only getting deeper and deeper, which was really starting to freak him out. Suddenly, a giant black vortex opened up in front of Yuan, whose unconscious body simply floated into the super massive black hole (lol Twilight sucks) as Lloyd swam frantically towards him. Being the idiot that he is, Lloyd temporarily forgot that he was underwater and screamed, "No!! Yuan!!" Of course, this only resulted in him swallowing half the ocean. As Lloyd swam closer towards the black hole, he started to get sucked in!!

OH NOES.

MEANWHILE.

Kratos sat in his living room next to the thing that looked suspiciously like a narwhal, eyeing it warily and avoiding conversation with Colette, who was the only one still sober. Raine and Sheena had decided that since technically Presea was 28 it was ok for her to drink and yeah. And Genis was just sort of there.

"Well," Kratos said. "This sucks.

The thing that looked suspiciously like a narwhal nodded in agreement.

BACK TO THE SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE.

Lloyd and Yuan were sucked into the black hole, and suddenly appeared it what seemed like an underwater city. Dozens of merpeople surrounded them, holding tritons to their throats. The toughest of the merpeople stood (er, floated/tread) in the front of the crowd, glaring at the human and half-elf.

"You are our prisoners now," he growled. "Understand?"

Lloyd, who's dumb to realize that he could've just nodded his head, pointed at his mouth. The merman sighed. "Get him some gillyweed!" he commanded.

Suddenly, J.K. Rowling came out of nowhere and bashed him over the head. The merman let out a "huff". "Fine," he sighed, "we'll use sign language."

Lloyd signed, "I can't do sign language."

The merman stared at him, then signed back, "You are an incompetent fool, but I'm taking you as my prisoner anyways."

Lloyd signed back, "What does incompetent mean?"

The merman signed back, "What the hell is wrong with your boyfriend?"

Yuan (who is, btw, not anyone's boyfriend) was still drunk, and had "Blah Blah Blah" stuck in his head, so he'd decided to dance. Even though the music was only playing in his head.

Lloyd signed back, "He's special. Be nice to him."

The merman signed back, "What are you two, the Special Brigade?"

Lloyd started to sign back, "Actually, he's a Renegade and I saved all your asses from a femboy who was in love with my best friend," but he never got the chance because the merman sedated him with poison that was in the tip of his triton.

Yuan got KO'ed too.

MEANWHILE.

The mirage trundled along, magically already in Palmacosta, pushing her CANDLES cart in front of her. She was very tempted to stop and put up a sign that said, "Zelos for sale" but that would kind of ruin her evil plan.

THE END.

For now.

* * *

Short, but there's actual plot development. Everyone gets kidnapped.

**Disclaimer: **Blah blah blah.


End file.
